Forgiveness is hard work. It doesn’t come naturally, so it is worthwhile to ask: why should we be forgiving?
One of the biggest hurdles is that forgiving someone feels like you have abandoned your principles. If someone has wronged you, to forgive them seems like an endorsement of the wrongdoing. There should be consequences for betrayal, not approval.
Of course, that’s not the way forgiveness works, even if it might seem like it. Your principles are intact. You believe the behavior is wrong, and therefore you would not do it. What is at question is how you treat someone else.
Another issue is that when you forgive someone, it feels like it is an external action. “Give” is, in fact, part of the word! You are giving something to someone, and they may not even understand or care about the hurt that they caused. That seems wrong.
But again, that is a misconception. If you hold on to a grudge or keep close resentment over something, that is, at heart, a self-harm. You’re the one who is impacted. You think about it, you change your behavior, you stew over it.
Forgiveness allows you to let go. Acknowledge that it was a bad thing, but don’t let it continue to have a hold over you. It may be that the other person is privately ashamed of their behavior, and to forgive them might mean that you both are the better for it. You both get to move on with your lives.
There are other benefits as well. Can you think of additional ones? When was the last time you forgave someone, even under trying or difficult circumstances?
Related questions: Forgive or forget? When was the last time you apologized to someone? How do you deal with someone with whom you don’t get along? What gives a person value?
As this question notes, withholding forgiveness can function as a kind of self-harm. I just finished reading, The How of Happiness, by Sonja Lyubomirsky. In it, she points to a substantial body of research showing that people who forgive are less likely to experience hatred, depression, hostility, anxiety, and anger. They are more likely to be happy, healthy, agreeable, and at peace. By contrast, the inability to forgive is often tied to persistent rumination—a replaying the injury or imagining revenge. However, forgiveness allows a person to move forward.
I’ve seen this play out in my own life. Years ago, I confronted someone who had seriously wronged me. I entered that conversation without forgiveness in mind. But by the end, the person offered something I hadn’t expected: genuine repentance. That moment made forgiveness possible. When I chose it, the shift was immediate—it felt like a weight I had been carrying for years was suddenly lifted. The anger I had been holding onto loosened its grip, and with it, a great deal of pain. My mental health improved in ways I could clearly feel and could not have imagined.
Looking back, do I wish I had been able to forgive sooner, to have been the bigger person? Absolutely. But I’m also aware of how fortunate I was that the situation unfolded as it did. It showed me that forgiveness isn’t just something we offer others—it’s something we give ourselves.