Category: Death

How Do You Remember Someone Who Has Died?

Death, and dealing with it, is a part of life. When someone you know and like dies, how do you remember them?

The death of a friend or loved one can be traumatic, particularly if that death is unexpected. During the grieving process, there are two primary ways to remember someone.

The first is to remember, or memorialize, soon after the death. Stories might be shared, tears might be shed, and grieving is done communally. In your experience, what are ways that you have publicly celebrated someone’s life?

The second method takes place months and even years after the passing. Remembering what someone was like, after years have gone by, can be difficult. There may be pictures or video to help jog your memory, but even those can be incomplete. And for some people in your life, you may not have any photos or other media saved.

In any case, what can you do to keep that person in your mind? How can you continue to be inspired by them, or be amused, or even just maintain a presence in your life? Is it important?

Related questions: Why are people afraid of death? Does your memory define you? What makes a friendship? Does it matter how long we are remembered?

Does It Matter How Long We Are Remembered?

It is comforting to think that after we die, we will be remembered by others still living. But if we aren’t, what does that mean?

While human life spans have increased — in fact, more than doubled — in the last century or two, life is still exceedingly short. No one has managed to live past a hundred and fifty years old.

The way to immortality, then, is through our legacy. The children we raise. The work that we did that survives us. The stories and memories that continue to live on.

This is a common message through media. Emotional movies tug at our heartstrings, with characters saying that they feel the presence of a loved one. It is a common theme, understandably, at memorial services.

Listen to a podcast where Michael and Lee discuss a related question: ‘What gives a person value?’ We also discuss a bonus question: ‘What makes you you?’

There are humans who have such an impact that they survive in our collective memory. It is usually through a discovery or artistic creation or a momentous feat of some kind. We know the name and achievements of someone who lived a thousand years ago. It would be nice if we were to have such an impact that we would be remembered or celebrated for hundreds or even thousands of years.

But would it really? It really makes no difference to you, after you die. Your death is not made better or happier if your name goes down in history.

Isn’t it more important to live your life in a fulfilling way right now? The future is uncertain at best, and won’t, barring unforeseen increases in human lifespans, include you?

Alternately, if you are not remembered, or only remembered for a short span of time, did your life, your existence, really mean anything at all?

Does it matter how long we are remembered?

Related questions: What gives a person value? Why are people afraid of death? What would you say to people in the future? How do you want to be remembered? Should we be concerned with legacy?

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

Imagine that you are Tom Sawyer, able to attend your own funeral. What would you hope to see and hear from those in attendance? How would you want to be remembered?

There are at least two different reasons to think about this question.

The first is to help others that survive you after your death. If you think about — and write down in detail — what happens after you die, you can save your loved ones a lot if guesswork. Everything from what to display at your memorial service to your final resting place, from DNR orders to organ donation, you can outline your wishes.

For grieving loved ones, that effort could be very comforting. Not only would your wishes help to relieve a source of potential stress, but it is almost a way of communicating after you are gone. Your request might seem like a voice from beyond, comforting your loved ones as they deal with emotional turmoil.

Even more important, however, is how thinking about how you will be remembered will help you. Thoughts of what you hope will live on after you can help to set your priorities while you are still alive.

For example, if you want people to think of you as generous, the best way to make that happen is to increase your generosity. If you want to be remembered for being a good parent, you may want to spend more time with your children and less time at work. If you hope that you are thought of as well-read, you can achieve that by committing to reading more.

In that way, what lives on after you can be seen as a mission statement for while you are alive. Your hoped-for future self can serve as an aspiration for the current you.

Have you given any thought to what will happen after you die? Do you know if you will be buried or cremated? Can you imagine which pictures and which mementos you want people to see at your memorial service? Is there something you want to be said in eulogy? And how might the answers to these questions impact what you do today, or in the days and years ahead?

Related questions: What would you say to people in the future? Should we be concerned with legacy? Why are people afraid of death? How do you plan for the future? Burial or cremation?

 

What Can You Learn From Loss?

We all have loss in our lives. While we can’t control that loss, we can control how we react to it. We can learn from loss.

It is important to learn from our experiences throughout our lives. After all, the only way to grow and improve, is to learn from what happens to you. While it is possible to learn from your successes and from your wins, the opportunity for self-improvement is much greater from your failures and from your losses.

When you lose someone close to you, or someone who meant a lot to you, the initial inclination is to be sad. That makes sense. The person is no longer around to make you laugh. Or to inspire you. Or simply to sit and talk with.

However, there is a better way to honor their memory. When the person was alive, you learned from them. If you make a list — an actual, enumerated list of the lessons you learned from talking with, listening to, or watching them, it will help you feel gratitude that they were in your life.

That’s one type of learning. In addition, dealing with loss can help you learn about yourself. How do you react to sadness? How do you process grief? How do you commiserate with others?

Loss is a great time for introspection. What can you learn from loss?

Related questions: How do you deal with loss? When is is useful to fail? Why are people afraid of death?