No doubt you have friends and family you turn to for sharing news, both good and bad. For an average person, just how many people are on that list?
Let’s unpack this. There are two components to this question:
1) What constitutes a relationship?
2) What does it mean to maintain such a relationship?
At Intellectual Roundtable, we have explored the first question before. It tends to be some alchemy of common interests, compatible personalities, and shared history, mixed with some reliability. The particular recipe will vary from individual to individual.
Maintaining a relationship can be both easy and difficult. It seems easy when two people just click. The flow of ideas or conversation topics can seem almost effortless.
However, keeping a relationship going, even between two people who are natural friends, takes time. If you don’t find yourself at the same parties, or your kids no longer go to the same school, if whatever brought you together in the first place no longer is in effect, the relationship can grow stagnant. It takes effort to reach out. In our busy lives, it is all too easy to get caught up in your own life and not keep those friendships alive.
Even if a friendship is important enough to make time to interact, there are limitations. There are only so many hours in the day, and after work, exercise, eating, catching up on the news, etc., the amount of time left to make a phone call or send a text is limited. There are only so many people that you can contact in a week, a month, or even a year. And there are limits on the number of relationships a human brain can maintain at any one time.
So for an typical person, what is that number? Can you take the time to cultivate a few friendships? A dozen? Is it even higher? How many relationships can an average person maintain?
Related questions: What makes a good friend? What qualities do you look for in a friend? How do you make friends as an adult?
Personally, I don’t know how many friendships the average person can realistically maintain—though I know researchers have tried to answer that question. What I do know is that I have about six people I can truly rely on for emotional support. Each of those friendships began years ago, and over time we’ve built the shared history and trust that is essential to a bond like that. With any one of them, we could pick up a deep conversation without missing a beat, and it would feel as though we’d been talking regularly all along.
That said, I’ve neglected a few of these friendships. I haven’t invested in them the way they deserve, and I should find a way to change that.
I also have a handful of people I consider friends, but those relationships are still developing. We need more shared experiences and a deeper level of trust before they become the sort of friendships I described above.
Beyond that, I have a broader circle of family members, colleagues, some of the former interns I’ve mentored, and people I regularly see through groups centered on shared interests. I have meaningful connections with many of them, but those relationships aren’t as deep. I’d happily invite them to a party if I ever threw one—though, as an introvert, that may have to wait until retirement. That circle includes roughly sixty to seventy people.
Altogether, I’d estimate that I have meaningful relationships with about seventy to eighty people. Yet only a small fraction of them are the friends I’d turn to in a moment of real need. Looking at it this way demonstrates that friendship isn’t a single category but a series of concentric circles, each built on a different degree of shared experience and trust.